Silent All These Years

Posted by Allison Nazarian on Dec 7, 2009 in Allison Nazarian, Inspiration, The Life of Allison | View Comments

With apologies to the great Tori Amos (lyrics here)……

This is a song that “spoke” to me all these years.

And now I know why.

Because I, too, was silent all these years. (Read here about how I have been working on my voice…)

And I am just thankful that “all these years” wasn’t my whole life. Because waaaayyyyy too many people (women especially, I daresay) lose their voices. Or become wives, and mothers, and CEOs and whatever else before they ever even discover this voice. And all too often, it dies. A really crappy death.

Finding my voice has been — is — a process and an experience that has radically changed my life in many ways.

Finding my voice and then declaring to anyone who will listen that I have found it puts a whole heckuva lot of pressure on me.

Because I can’t go back.

Not ever.

And sometimes going back to that comfort zone, no matter how un-brilliant it may be, is tempting. Because it’s easier to not get hurt over there. And it’s easier to make excuses over there. And to pretend it’s OK to be mediocre.

But the glory is in the discomfort. It’s in the place where you feel so scared you might pee in your pants but you do it anyway. And it’s in what happens to you after you risk the peeing (which almost never happens) and come out strong and safe and ready for the next challenge on the other side.

So I have some requests of you: If you are reading this, you are either interested in what I have to say or you are my friend/family member being forced to read this (or you are both). So you have no choice, however you slice it.

  1. Think about something that is bugging the you-know-what out of you right now. Could be a person, a goal that’s not happening or something that is frustrating you to no end.
  2. Think about what you can do RIGHT NOW to change the situation.
  3. Now go over all the reasons/objections to this change. Listen to your Ego telling you how you can’t/won’t/don’t know how to fix it or get out of it or move on. Think about what really scares, shocks, annoys and moves you (good or bad) about this situation.
  4. Now (and you may need to do this out loud and/or in front of a mirror. Really awkward, trust me) say GOODBYE to that cr*p. And fix it. And before you do, tell someone or someones what you are going to do. Declare it to me if you want. Make yourself accountable and DO IT.

Because as much as I love Tori Amos, and probably wish I could sing like her and maybe even look like her, I don’t want to be Silent All These Years…not anymore.

And I don’t want you to be either.


…Hey but I don’t care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it’s been here
Silent All These…

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I’m stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we’re too easy Easy Easy

Ok enough reading….go make it happen. Only you can. Chop, chop….the clock is ticking…

Oh, and I know you will do GREAT. If you keep shining only to yourself, you are really depriving the rest of us. And I don’t like to be deprived.

Just sayin’…

© 2009, Allison Nazarian. © 2010 Allison Nazarian Feel free to quote or reprint this blog post on your blog/website or elsewhere with proper attribution to Allison Nazarian and http://AllisonNazarian.com.

  • Guest
    Wow, reading your post right this very minute was perfect timing for me. About half an hour ago I spoke the truth to an old friend -- well, my truth anyway. It felt good. And then five minutes ago I spoke the truth to a coaching client -- again, my truth. And again it felt good.

    In the first case, I'm pretty sure I haven't lost a friend. Just pissed her off royally. In the second case, I've definitely lost a client. That was the whole idea. I "fired" her so we can both move on.

    It feels so good to stop accepting and spouting crap. And guess what? The world doesn't stop. In fact, I think it may just spin a bit more freely and happily.

    Thanks, Allison, for a great post. This is the first time I've been here, and it won't be the last. I'll definitely be subscribing. I'm so glad you found your voice and took the risk and let us hear it. We need all the truth telling voices we can get.
  • Thank you so much for your comment!
    I love how you said "the world doesn't stop" -- like as important and brilliant as we are, we aren't the whole world and nothing stops with or for us. Love that!
    Looking forward to your future comments, thank you!
    Alli
  • sarahrobinson
    But I'm with you. I have no interest in keeping silent anymore. And even if I screw up and say stuff that I wish I hadn't said or that pisses someone off that I love, that's ok. It's better than choking back my words and swallowing my feelings.

    You rock. #thatisall
  • SR,

    I am finding that "screwing up" is actually fun and even addictive now.

    Why? Because then I can learn from it because I don't have to hide it EVER. It is so freeing at this point where I don't even have to think "will I share this with someone else?" because I know it is all part of who I am and all "out there" under the Allison umbrella.
    So let it all out Sister -- and you know I am here for you to let it all out to. Always!

    Love you,
    Alli
  • Brian
    Hey Allison,
    I have been telling you that your posts have been hitting a chord, and now I think you've synched up with the symphony. After reading the incredibly honest responses that you have elicited from Tom and Jeff and others, I am compelled myself to write this.

    For almost 20 years, I have had both the mental and very real struggle with my weight and have allowed it to basically limit everything else that I have done in my life.

    Here's my conclusion... after so long...

    My very first priority (after my morning injection of caffeine, of course) is to get to the gym for the next 50 days, without exception (except for Christmas day when I guess I'll do a lot of jumping jacks). Actually, I'm on Day 3 today... 50 days and 26 pounds... two hours per day on the treadmill (a lot of walking, steep incline)...

    So, net net, you're onto something, Alli. It's not just about mid-life, or New Year's resolutions, but about pure, real, lasting changes in our lives... about finding and using our true voices... about not being able to go back (even if we wanted to)... and, through it all, saying that our underlying fears can go ***k themselves! No, not Carpe Diem, but Carpe Vita... Seize Your Life... and make it last!

    Here's the thing about you and your posts though... you have so perfectly tapped into the thoughts that so many of us have but haven't even deciphered to ourselves yet. After incredible changes in my life recently, as you have indicated in yours, I have come to realize that the hardest thing to do recently (and in life ongoing) is to understand myself. I have to really identify and acknowledge my weakness, strengths and emotions overall to address and then harness them.

    Thank you, Allison, for being such a good facilitator, through your words, to help us all do that better.
  • Brian,
    YOU ROCK!
    So proud of you. Two hours on the treadmill? That is not easy. I know what you mean. I started walking every day last year probably Oct/Nov. It literally changed my life. I can't stand gyms so I do it outside every day (it's Florida) and it is what keeps me sane. And like 15 pounds less than my "Long December" weight.
    Sounds like you are so in a good place and I can't wait to hear more.
    Alli
  • Brian
    Hey, thanks for that. I used to be even more "gravity challenged," but I have still further to go! And it's not just a goal, but a decision to change my life, ongoing... The mental part? You're right. Like you, I think I am chemical-dependent on those endorphins, and it keeps me sane as well! Thanks again for the great post, and please keep them coming! And no more "Long Decembers," right?
    B
  • Heidi Estrin
    Hey Allison, you sure are brave the way you bare your soul in public! In response to your bravery, I'll post this comment to say that I'm working right now on my fear of change (you may have seen this on Facebook). I've been listening to a lot of Tara Brach lectures via podcast and she's helping me to form new habits of thinking. One of my huge problems is that I can't stand criticism, I take it way personally. I'm trying to get over what Brach calls the "trace of unworthyness" that most people have, where we feel guilty or not good enough, for no good reason (and it's reinforced by our culture). So that's what on my mind lately - thanks for sharing what's on yours.
  • Hi Heidi,
    Thank you for your comment. I haven't heard of Tara Brach and will definitely check her out asap!
    I understand what you mean re criticism. Totally!
    Please keep me posted on all the great stuff (even the great stuff that doesn't feel great at all) on your journey.
    Love, Alli
    P.S. You inspired today's blog on CurrentMom.com -- thank you! And say hi to JE.
  • Heidi Estrin
    Thanks, Allison, nice to "hear" from you. My epiphany for today is that my fear of change is actually based in a fear of connecting with people. Sounds backwards, everyone wants to connect, right? But I think I actually am more comfortable not connecting at a deep level. I'm a bit of a hermit, I'm realizing. I may be comfortable that way but I don't think it's the healthiest thing, so this is the issue I now need to figure out how to work on. Thanks for listening!
    PS I looked at the CurrentMom blog but couldn't figure out which post was related to my earlier comment - can you tell me the date or title? Just curious.
    Love, Heidi
  • jeffhechtaz
    First off, Allison, congrats on another inspiring blog post! I always feel better about finding my direction after reading your posts. Your courage and ability to learn new things about yourself every day is amazing - I am striving to do the same thing... Thanks for always reminding me to keep focused and moving forward!

    And Tom, from reading this, it sounds like you took away EXACTLY what this post (and others by Allison) is meant to convey. That is to say, keep being yourself, and following your heart and your dreams. Allison’s posts are truly an inspiration, she’s an incredibly bright person…

    I am the same way as you, Tom. Always find it difficult to meet just the right person. I am the opposite, however, in that I am rarely serious, always compensate with humor and witty conversation. I meet lots of women this way, but honestly, I often feel like they would be more interested in a serious guy like you than a “class clown” like me.

    You and I can both learn from Allison! She is experiencing major changes, still defining the woman she is seeking and growing to become. With every new post, she’s defining the space she needs, how it takes room and freedom to spread your wings and truly fly.

    Now it’s our turn. Let’s go out and learn to fly like Allison does!

    Don’t be discouraged, friend! There are a ton of great women out there to meet, and if you look in the right places, you’ll find yours. Perhaps as you continue your search, you’ll discover your “soulmate,” your other half. You may even meet her tomorrow, you just never know!

    I am sure if you met the right lady, it will be in real life endeavors, or even through a dating service (yep, I have used them!). By doing this, you will be much more likely to find that girl with your common interests and attitudes. You’re somebody’s gem, for sure! Don’t stop searching!

    Let’s learn that lesson from Allison, that it’s never too late to find your happiness and follow your dream. Your perfect match is somewhere out there, you will find her! And in the meantime, as Allison says, enjoy and cherish the process, the learning lessons about yourself in addition to meeting new and amazing people…

    Best of luck!
  • Thank you for this wonderfully honest reply my dear Jeffrey!
    xoxo
  • tomlehner
    Allison,

    I am probably making a total dam fool out of myself here and I hope you will not take me off your mailing list, block me or cancel our friendship.

    A) I am reading this because I am really interested in your blogs. I love your way of writing and how you put things into words. Actually I read this twice and again. I know I have answered to some of your blogs before. And I hope I am still welcome to read them.

    1) What is bugging me - I dont really know how to overcome. Why is pretty simple - changing it would require to give up my entire self. Professionally I am on the top of where I want to be only my private life is not where I wantet it.

    Bottom line - I am lonely. I dont understand woman. dont know what I do wrong and dont know how to become more successful in that way. I have been told on several sides "Dont change, you are a rare breed, one of a kind, I am surprised that man like you still excist; My favorite lines: I wish I would have met you sooner (before they met their current partner), if you would just look better you'd be perfect, and my top of the pop: "I dont want to loose your friendship".

    I am who I am and basically I am satisfied with who I am; I know I am honest, faithful, i am an onld fasioned Gentlmen, treat woman with respect, have all the right values, believe in God and family, romantic and affectionate and love children and dont look for flings but rather a commited relationship - SO BASICALLY EVERYTHING WOMAN CLAIM TO LOOK FOR, now my downside is I am a thinker, realist, down to earth, work hard (mostly becasue I dont know what else to do) and take care of my son.

    Where did that bring me - I have tried: I tried to go out and 99% of the times I ended up being the observer how the guys get the girls: Guys I asked myself what do the have I dont they dont have a job, dont have education, only play the girls and the only advantige they have over me is that they are entertaining while I am more the serious kind of man. I have a great sense of humor jsut cant tell jokes for hours.

    So I read your blog and looked in the mirror and dont know who to attract the woman I am attracted to. I dont know how to change myself without giving up everything I belive in, how to be attractive for those i like and not give up myself living my way of living becasue I like who I am. I think for the right person I am the right man.

    And please dont tell me to look elsewhere becasue we all have our vision of our potential spouse as for looks, habbits, values and how he/she is supposed to be.

    There would be more to say about that and probably make a great topic for a bottle of wine in my favorite mexican restaurant to discuss all night. So I am going to print your blog and see what I can do to get out of my shell.

    Thank you for making me think again and give me something to work on. God Bless you
    Tom
  • Just posting a comment to let you know that I think you & this post are both awesometastic, and I hope to be in place where I can leave a more intelligent comment soon. #thatisall
  • I don't need you to always be intelligent.
    Just to loooovvvvve me.
  • Brian
    Allison does make me smile and chillax from reading her posts...
  • That's intelligent enough for me my sista.
    Not like I haven't skyped and texted you since 6am Pacific today.
    xoxo
  • I was afraid of looking stupid. I have a lot to share and I'm trying to help as many folks as I can in the process. Being able to say "I don't know" has freed me!
  • Hi Sandy,
    I totally feel ya on that!
    For me, learning how to say "no" when I want to and not feeling like I have to always say "yes" has done the same for me.
    And the more I tell people "no" or "I don't know" or "here's how it is, take it or leave it," the more amazing my relationships and my life have been.
    Thank you for your comment my friend :)
    Alli
  • Thank you! I'm really glad that you and I "met" on Twitter!
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