I'm Not The Girl I Used To Be

Posted by Allison Nazarian on Dec 13, 2009 in Allison Nazarian, The Life of Allison | View Comments

I had an interesting day.

And by “interesting,” I mean weird. A combination of introspective and realistic and scary and profound. All those things.

One of those days where you experience things and people and feelings that remind you of where you once were, of how far you have come, of what’s changed and of, yes, how far you still have to go.

Sometimes when I see how far I have come, I am so freakin’ happy. I think of especially of tough decisions I made and actually acted upon. I think about how I have chosen to really live instead of staying safe or being afraid.

And I am psyched.

And proud of myself.

And when I forget to be proud of myself, I have my friends to remind me that I am really living. And that I do some not-so-easy things and ROCK them.

But…sometimes when I think of how I’ve come, I start to think about how far I still have to go (despite the knowledge that I am always in the perfect place at the perfect time).

I start to feel utter overwhelm. Helplessness. Uncertainty. Fear. And my EGO starts to suggest that maybe I should stop moving forward or even turn back. Because I know what’s back there. And maybe I won’t be so great at dealing with what’s ahead.

And on and on.

And in the moment, the overwhelm can take over. The Voice can win. And in that moment when the Voice wins, I revert to old ways of thinking and doing I don’t necessarily like. And other things I don’t really like may happen, like I may snap at my kids or eat something really crappy or say “yes’ when I wanted to say “no” or “no” when I wanted to say “yes.”

Eventually, I snap out of it. Maybe through the advice of a friend who won’t put up with my crap. (You know who you are.) Or something great happening (which is more reactive than anything else, I know, and not a permanent solution, I know, but it helps in the moment and sometimes that’s all you need). Or, simply, a good night’s sleep.

So here I am on a Sunday night blogging because I thought it would be a new way to experience the Combination Platter of action and overwhelm that is my life. Perspective is a great thing. And once again, laying myself totally bare does wonders — mostly because what I think I fear the most is, I find, never what I actually fear.

And regardless of what I actually fear (following me here?), I should be f****** living regardless.

I needed today, just like I needed every other day, to remind me of who I am (and am not) and what I want (and don’t want) and how I want to live (and don’t want to live).

Realizing you aren’t who you once were can be amazing and, yes, overwhelming. The latter because it may dawn on you that if you aren’t who you once thought you were….then, really, WHO ARE YOU?

And the not knowing is scary.

I don’t know that I have a great Allison Lesson for you that will wrap this all up in a nice red bow. I know I am learning to live with and be happy with the absence of that red bow. Trust me…the red bow was an illusion anyway.

I can tell you I am going to call a very logical friend and then get a good night’s sleep. And tomorrow The Voice will still be there but I will be rested and ready to shush it up. And my light will be back on bright. For sure.

‘Night.

Love, Alli

© 2009, Allison Nazarian. © 2010 Allison Nazarian Feel free to quote or reprint this blog post on your blog/website or elsewhere with proper attribution to Allison Nazarian and http://AllisonNazarian.com.

  • tomlehner
    I read that, ok as usual, twice. First of all a friend that is not willing to, (the way YOU call it) crap should rethink the word friendship.
    Non of us is the way we used to be. Many things happen in live and we go through good and bad times and the result is that our being today is the summing up of life experiences. I've been in war, I've seen things you could not even imagine and yet I have been told I am a man with a tough outside and a soft inside, I have in relationships with woman and been betrayed and used up until today and sometimes I have bitter moments and sometimes I have happy moments but I like to see every woman as a new experience giving her the benefit of the doubt.

    Most of the time I digg myself into raising my son and my work and dont have to think of the outcome of "I am not how I used to be", I hide my sadness from my son not to bother him, I have to act happy becasue in business nobody is interested, my friends keep coming to me with all their problems and dont see my sadness.

    But yet I am here, for everybody trying to make the best I can.

    I read your post twice and since I follow you for a while I got to read some of your posts and think I have an idea of what happend to you in the past year.....

    You might not be the one you used to be but you are definetly one thing (person): Awesome, inteligent and breath taking beautiful, you have a smile that, everytime my day goes sour, brightens my day. You have a great way to open yourself up to other people and you have alot to say.

    And you have a verity of friends, real life friends and online friends and I am preveliged to be one of it. And you even have the nerves to hook up with my sarcastic comments and twisted sense of humor sometimes. And we all love and admire you - one way or the other.

    You are not the one you used to be - maybe not I dont know - but if so - you are a brand new Allison, and you have grown and developed and when you sometimes sad always know - we are here. I am here.

    You might not be the one you used to be - you have become better and stronger and I am sure you know who you are.
  • Thank you Tom :)
    Alli
  • As one who tends toward overwhelm i completely related to this:

    "I start to feel utter overwhelm. Helplessness. Uncertainty. Fear. And my EGO starts to suggest that maybe I should stop moving forward or even turn back."

    Daily this happens... and then changes into something else... and then comes back... and then recedes again... making it hard to take too seriously. still, when there, really compelling. ahhh, so nice to hear someone else speak of it OUT LOUD.

    thank you, allison :))
  • Hi Ruby,
    I hear ya!
    Sitting down to write this in the midst of the self-beating and overwhelm was new for me. And it was good for me too, apparently. And whenever you speak about something or get it out there in some way, you are automatically making it better because it no longer resides just in the head.
    So saying it out loud may annoy the crap out of some people, but it sure helps me!
    Thanks for listening :)
    Love, Alli
  • I'm starting to wonder if you and I have a funnel connected to our personal experiences of life lol. Can I just tell you this is almost a mirror image of what goes on within my self at times? I'm so glad to see someone putting it out there as "real" as you do. (Like myself) there can only be transparency where there is honesty. Embrace it and be ok with it because what we resist persists.

    Live Messy & In your Light :-) So liberating!
  • Hi Tony,

    I am SO psyched to share our journeys together. Bring it!

    As I sit here, one of my favorite songs is playing and a line in it is so fitting:

    "It's amazing, with the blink of an eye you finally see the light....It's amazing when the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright..."
    ~ Aerosmith "Amazing"

    I think for both of us, our moments have arrived and we are no longer scared of anything.
    xoxo Alli
  • When I first read about the 'nice red bow' on your Allison Lesson, I thought...life just isn't that neatly packaged. Then you hit it with your very next sentences...learning to accept and be happy with or without the bows and more than anything, not settling by showing off something as a pretty little bow-tied package if in your truth it is anything but.

    So order me up a big Combo Platter of action and all the sides of messy feelings that come with it. This is LIVING!

    Proud of you, Allison. Sweet dreams :-)
  • Thank you Dr M!
    I was thinking -- how do I end this? And it was like Of Course -- I don't need to "end" it or make it neat. (Yay!). Learning to live messy -- QUITE an experience for me.
    Love, Alli
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